The Reality of the World
by Alucino
Summary: The story takes place directly after "Angel on My Mind" and deals with Kris' feelings and thoughts after the overwhelming experience of her amnesia. Please read and review!


**The Reality of the World ****(set after "Angel on my Mind")**

"Well, I think I better get going," Bosley said with a bit edgy sigh, as he raised himself from the desk. After they had said goodbye to Charlie a while earlier, Bosley and the Angels had stayed behind awhile, enjoying a drink together, happy that Kris was home safe and sound after her adventurous time suffering from amnesia. But it was getting late, and he had plans.

Being a bit surprised that Bosley was the first to go, Kelly looked at him questioning. Seeing he looked a bit edgy as well, she smiled teasingly. "Got a hot date?"

He was silent a while as he gathered his things, but after awhile he looked back at Kelly, and answered a bit insecure, "As a matter of fact, yes I have". Without a doubt he was the one of the four of them least used to having a date, and now that he had he couldn't deny he felt quite nervous. Especially now, when it had come to his three friend's attention.

"Oh a date, eh?" Sabrina joined in, not wanting to miss out on teasing Bosley a bit. "So who's the lucky lady?"

"Just a woman who lives in my building," Bosley answered nervously, really not enjoying being in the centre of the attention. So not wanting to talk much more about it - he was nervous enough - he ignored the teasingly smiles from Bri and Kelly. Instead he walked over to Kris, who'd been surprisingly quiet. "It's good to have you home, Kris" he then said as a goodbye, before he kissed her lightly on the cheek.

Silently, but sincere, Kris smiled back in reply, before she turned back looking down at her drink she had in her hands.

He then nodded his goodbyes to the other two, as he headed for the door, "Ladies".

"Good luck!" Kelly called after him with a big smile on her face.

And as Bosley disappeared, Sabrina knocked back her drink she was having by the bar, and walked over to the others by the sofa. "Man, I'm getting hungry. What do you say if we go out and grab a bite to eat?"

Kelly snapped hearing Sabrina being hungry. "What? Sabrina hungry? Now that's not something you hear every day!"

"Heey! What's that suppose to mean?" Sabrina sounded offended and put her arms in her side and glared accusingly at her friend.

"Oh come on Bri…," Kelly continued teasingly, somehow feeling very high-spirited.

Sabrina just snorted in reply, although knowing Kelly was right. She wasn't the biggest eater. "But really, what do you say?" she then continued however, really wanting to head out for dinner.

"Oh, I'm in," Kelly hurriedly said as also she finished her drink in a gulp, before she jumped up from the sofa. "Like I said, this is not an offer you hear every day," she said and smiled playfully to Sabrina. "What do you say, Kris?" Kelly then asked and turned to Kris, realizing she had been unusually silent.

Not really being up for socializing, Kris just shook her head. "No, I think I'll just head home and have an early night," she said tiredly, looking a bit too gloomy for her friends not to notice. "…but you two go ahead," she was then quick to add with a vague smile, when she noticed the concerned looks on her friends' faces.

Kelly fell back down in the sofa, and looked worriedly at Kris. She, together with both Sabrina and Bosley, had of course been concerned for Kris after her amnesia, knowing it couldn't have been easy on her. But as she appeared to recover quite well, they all thought she indeed was fine. When Kelly now could see that things may not be as good after all, her worries returned. "Kris, are you ok?" she asked concerned as she put a reassuring hand on Kris shoulder.

Starting too feel a bit guilty when realizing her friends started worrying about her, Kris forced a confident smile. "Oh I'm fine. I think I just need some rest and some time on my own, that's all."

"Are you sure?" Sabrina although wondered concerned, as she sat down by Kris on the backrest of the sofa. "We can join you to your place if you want. If you need to talk or anything. Or just want some company."

"No, that's all right," Kris now said more convincingly, and smiled reassuringly to her two friends. She knew they only meant well, and she was thankful for their offer, but she really just needed some time on her own. But not wanting to worry her friends anymore, she rose up confidently and dragged them both up with her, before she started pushing them towards the door to get them going. "Now you go out and enjoy yourself, and don't worry about me."

Sabrina and Kelly both looked at her concerned, really wanting to make sure she was ok, but when it seemed as she was, they looked at each other and agreed she seemed fine.

"All right, if you're sure…," Sabrina couldn't help but wondering though, giving Kris one last chance as she was urged out through the office by Kris.

"Positive," Kris replied and started to look more like her cheerful self again.

But as Kris a moment later started heading for her car, Kelly stopped her by her arm, "But remember you can call us, any of us, if you need anything. Alright?"

Kris nodded assured. "Yeah I know."

"Thanks," she the added as she gave them each a hug.

About an hour later Kris was standing jadedly by the stove in her home waiting for the tea water to boil. Even if she had longed to get home, she felt particularly blue and down as soon as she had stepped inside, and she hadn't quite had the energy to do anything. It had really been an overwhelming experience to forget who you were, and the thoughts and questions that had whirled around in her head, had really sucked out all of her energy. She sighed heavily at the thought of it, as she poured the tea into her mug and walked outside. Apathetically she sat down in the armchair standing on the porch and stared out.

There it was. The ocean. It was what had kept her company during the amnesia, what had made her start to remember. First she had remembered her childhood. Her innocent and peaceful childhood. That's what she told the others earlier that she'd remembered, and how nice it had been to think about it, and that she would like to go back. And then Charlie had told her that even if she couldn't go back, she was loved by them. She figured that's what they had thought she was thinking about, what had made her a bit reserved even after she had regained her memory. Because she knew she hadn't been quite herself after she returned from the hospital, and she knew her friends had noticed it as well. But that wasn't it. That hadn't been what was on her mind. It wasn't that she missed her childhood, or that she didn't felt loved. She knew she was loved. She didn't doubt that for a second. But, sure, she had felt lonely, so extremely alone, wandering around at that beach. More lonely than she'd ever been before. She hadn't known where she was, where she was heading, or where she came from. She hadn't known anybody, not even herself. That was why it had felt so good when she'd met that old man who'd offered her some food, and later the guy that reminder her of her old friend Tommy. Then she hadn't felt so alone anymore. She hadn't felt so lost. But still, the feeling of loneliness she'd felt when she was wandering at the beach, had disappeared the second she saw Kelly, Sabrina and Bosley running down to her. Then everything had come back to her, and she'd felt anything but lonely.

But even if the loneliness she'd felt had been an awful feeling, that wasn't what bothered her now. What really had been on her mind was not something she wanted to talk with her friends about. Not yet anyway. Because they might take it the wrong way. Or they just wouldn't understand. But then again, she wasn't sure if she understood herself. All she knew was that awful feeling she felt when she so instinctively had pointed that gun at the three boys. And that she did it so skilfully and without any regret had made her quickly to realize that it was something that came naturally to her. She had felt it in her whole body and mind. And it had scared her. It had scared her so enormously. Especially when she so undeniably knew she wouldn't even flinch if she had to use it. That she knew she was capable of hurting other people, killing even. It had been an awful feeling. First, she remembered, she had thought she was a bad person. A horrible human being. A felon of some sort, someone who did other people harm, someone who would be able to kill, maybe even without the slightest remorse. She guessed that was why she had run away. At that moment she wanted to run away from it all. All day she had wanted to remember who she was, but when the truth - or what she at least thought was the truth - came to her she just wanted to escape from it. Because it had been such a horrible discovery.

But then, when she saw Kelly, Sabrina and Bosley again, the actual truth came to her, and she felt such a relief. Relief that she knew who she was again, relief that they saved her from the murderer, and relief that she might not be as bad person as she had thought, after all. But the relief hadn't lasted too long. After all the excitement had settled, that feeling when she realized violence was something so natural to her had returned. And somehow she just didn't seem to be able to shake it off. Because even if she by then knew she wasn't a bad person, that she only knew those things because of her job as a detective, it still scared her. It almost disgusted her. How could she so mechanically hurt other human beings? The memory of her childhood was so peaceful, so innocent. And there she was, a skilled shooter and fighter, having to hurt and kill in her work. Even if she knew she only did it for a good cause, she couldn't let the feeling go.

She looked out on the beach again, and the memory of her childhood appeared again. Her family often went to the beach on the weekends, and to this day those trips were still some of her most cherished memories. She remembered how she and Jill had played in the sand, her parents had taught them how to swim and how they all enjoyed their time together by the picnic basket. They had indeed had some wonderful moments at the beach. That was probably why both she and Jill loved the beach and ocean so much. That it reminded them so much of the good times as children. Because they had had a great time as children. Maybe that was why it felt so hard to accept this violence she was living so close with now. Suddenly she felt bitter, realizing that the world was so cruel. She had seen the innocence, she had lived it as a child, and she had seen and lived the evil. And she didn't like the contrast.

She sighed heavily. Not really being in the mood of being outside anymore she rose from where she was sitting and walked inside. But as she glanced over the room, she couldn't help but fixate her eyes on the gun that was lying on the coffee table. She walked over to it and picked it up. The cold and hard metal felt heavy. But she couldn't deny it fitted perfectly in her hand. But did she want it to? Did she really want to live the kind of life where she had to use it, use it to hurt other people? She knew it was for a good cause, but still. Automatically she clenched her teeth, again thinking of how cruel the world was. That the world required these kinds of things, these kinds of professions. She sighed heavily again, as the anger she felt was replaced by the bitterness again. She put the gun back on the table. Suddenly she felt a tremendous tiredness rushing over her. With a quick last glance of the gun she left the room and headed over to her bedroom to get some sleep.

The next morning Kris woke up surprisingly refreshed. The thoughts from the other day hadn't left her mind, but somehow they hadn't bothered her sleep. But even if she woke up with a lot more energy than last night, she was far as cheerful and energetic as she usually was when she started a new day. Although, knowing she should get on with this day either way, despite her somewhat pessimism towards it, she headed for the showers. But as she passed her drawer, the photos on top of it suddenly caught her eye. Instinctively she walked over to them and glanced over them. First there was a picture of her and her family all sitting happily together in their PJs by the Christmas tree, taken for probably twenty-five years ago. She didn't remember that exact Christmas, but she remembered how they usually spent all Christmas mornings together like that by the tree, exchanging gifts, laughing and enjoying their time together. She had always loved those Christmas mornings. She looked at the other picture, which showed her and Jill standing by the side of the road in Italy, with a magnificent view of the Italian countryside in the background. It was taken last year, when Kris had flown over to Europe to watch Jill drive at the Grand Prix and they then had spent two weeks road tripping southern Europe. It had for sure been one of her best vacation, and she couldn't help but smile of the memory. The last picture showed Kris, smiling widely, sitting under a palm tree in Hawaii, surrounded by Sabrina, Kelly and Bosley, all smiling almost as wide as Kris. The photo had been taken a couple of days after they had released Charlie from his kidnappers on Kris' first case. Charlie had been so thankful to them, that he granted them some extra free days in Hawaii. Kris picked up the photo and thought of her first case, and what a good time they had had. What good times they had had since. Suddenly something hit her and she was filled with something of a slight optimism. She smiled, before she put down the photo and went over to the phone.

"Bree?" she said, as she heard someone picking up the phone in the other end. "How about some brunch at my place today?" she then wondered, almost amazed how cheerful her own voice sounded.

"Ehrm…sure," Sabrina answered a bit surprised by the sudden invite. But still it sounded like a great idea. It was Saturday after all, and it did indeed feel good that Kris seemed to sound ok. She and Kelly had been a bit worried about her last night, but still they had agreed to leave her alone last night, and instead maybe go over to her today to see if everything was ok. It pleased her that Kris herself took initiative.

"See you in an hour or so, then?"

"Yeah, sure," Sabrina agreed before they hung up, and Kris called the other two friends.

About an hour later Kelly and Sabrina walked up to Kris beach house.

"Kris?" Kelly called as they entered the house, and looked around searching for their friend, as Sabrina walked over to the kitchen and dropped off some of the food they had bought on their way.

"In here," they heard her friend calling from the bedroom, before they walked over there.

As they entered the room they found Kris sitting on the bed, with photos and photo-albums spread out all around her.

Sabrina and Kelly both smiled surprised at the sight, before Sabrina wondered bewildered, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just looking over all my old photos," she answered, as she apparently tried to tidy them up a bit, now that her friends had arrived.

But completely delighted over Kris photo-collection and initiative to look over them, Kelly didn't seem to mind the photos one bit. In fact, she quickly and miraculously found herself a spot on the bed free from photos and before she had even said a word she happily browsed the many pictures. Being an orphan, with a somewhat rough childhood, she had always envied her friend's happy past with a family, and she had always loved hearing Kris, or Jill and Bri for that matter, telling her about their childhood. The photos that she now had before her were just another glimpse of what it must have been like growing up happy.

Sabrina on the other hand, wasn't quite as enchanted, although knowing her friend's fascination about it, she let her be wrapped up in her dream world for awhile. Instead she walked over to the armchair that was about the only spot of the room not yet filled with photos, and turned to Kris, "We thought we'd pick up Bosley on the way, but he wasn't in his apartment. Do you know where he is?"

"Oh yeah, I called him earlier and it seemed as if his date last night had gone quite well, so they had decided to go hiking today," she said with a twinkle in her eye, happy for her friend.

"Well, well, what do you know…" Sabrina said smiling widely, also quite happy for Bosley.

Kelly on the other hand didn't seem to notice her friends' conversation, but instead was completely lost in the many pictures. But as one picture in particular caught her eyes, she picked it up and couldn't help but let out a small giggle.

The other two looked at her surprised. "What are you looking at?" Sabrina curiously wanted to know.

Trying to stop herself from laughing out loud, Kelly looked at Kris and showed her the picture she had in her hand. "Is this you and Jill when you were younger?"

Seeing the picture Kelly was looking at, Kris hid her face in her hands in embarrassment. "Yeah…" she then confessed and nodded embarrassed.

Hearing her suspicion was correct, Kelly couldn't stop herself from bursting out loud laughing.

Sabrina, who'd been sitting a bit on a distance, now got curious and flew up from the chair and quickly pinched the photo from Kelly. When seeing a maybe thirteen year old, goofy-looking Jill standing next to a couple of years younger Kris, obviously trying hard to imitate her older sister to the spot, with her goofy-looking clothes and hairdo and everything, Sabrina couldn't help herself from joining in the laughter as well. "Oh my god, where have you and Jill been hiding this?" she said between laughter as she handed the photo back to Kelly.

"So Jill was a bit of a geek growing up…," Kris defended her sister and tried to look stern at her two friends.

"Oh I wasn't laughing at Jill," Sabrina confessed teasingly, and looked at Kris, trying to look serious.

Seeing the supposedly offended expression on Kris, Kelly couldn't help herself from starting laughing hysterical again, dragging Sabrina with her.

"Hey!" Kris just exclaimed and before anyone knew it, she had grabbed a pillow from the bed and threw it violently in Sabrina's direction.

Completely taken aback Sabrina just looked at Kris in bewilderment, but not many second past before she took her aim.

But before she could throw it Kelly interrupted. "Hey watch it, you guys," she exclaimed and looked concerned on the pictures that was about to fare badly by Kris' and Sabrina's wild games. Sabrina and Kris just looked at her, amazed that she had stopped them for some old photos. "Oh my god, Kelly," Sabrina just laughed at her friend's strange fascination for old stuff, while Kris gave her a deplorable look, trying not to laugh at her.

Not at all understanding her friend's reactions, Kelly just looked at them bewildered. "What?"

"You're just so adorable," Kris said before hugging her friendly.

As she pulled out from the embrace, Kris turned more seriously. "How about we'll fix us that brunch I promised you?"

"Sounds like a plan," Sabrina answered and started heading for the door.

Kris stood up in the bed and jumped off it heading after Sabrina, carefully not to step on any of the photos, afraid Kelly would have a nervous breakdown if she would.

Well in the kitchen Sabrina a moment later looked at Kris, knowing she had to ask her sooner or later. "You seem to feel much better to day. Do you?"

Actually been waiting for the question to come, Kris nodded seriously. "Yeah I think so. I did some thinking yesterday, and it made me realize some things."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. That's why I wanted you to come over today, because I really think I need to talk to you about it," Kris said honestly, and looked over at Sabrina and then Kris who now walked into the kitchen.

"All right," Kelly agreed, never being the one turning down a friend's need for a talk. "What do you wanna talk about?"

"Well, you know that I told you yesterday that I missed my childhood?" Kris started with a sigh, even if she didn't know if that actually was a good place to start or not. She sat down on one of the chairs by the kitchen table.

"Yeah?"

"Well, now I realized I don't really miss it. I mean, sure, I do, but not in the way I thought I did yesterday, if you know what I mean."

Kelly and Sabrina looked at her a bit puzzled, as also they sat down on each chair, neither of them really being able to say they followed Kris.

Kris sighed again, seeing at her friends' expression that they didn't understood what she was talking about. "You see, when I was attacked by those three guys I told you about, I picked up my gun, like I would have done in any normal case, but when I pointed the gun at them I felt such a horrible feeling. I felt like such a bad person. I felt so awful, knowing I was capable at hurting those boys… That was why I dropped the gun and run away. It was just such a strong, and awful feeling, I just wanted to run away from it."

She sighed at the memory, and looked up from her lap at her friends.

"But you were only defending yourself," Sabrina exclaimed, feeling a bit surprised Kris had misjudged herself so. "It's not like you would've hurt them just for the fun of it."

"Yeah I know that," Kris explained. "Or at least I know that now. But at the moment I didn't know it. I thought I was the kind of person that could hurt them, 'just for the fun of it'," she said tentatively, and shivered of the thought.

Kelly stared at her friend, realizing what an awful feeling it must have been. "But like you said, you know now that's not who you are," she said reassuringly and put a friendly had on her arm.

Kris smiled at her friend, and nodded. "Yeah I know. But just that feeling, when you realize you are capable to kill that other person if needed, was such a scary feeling, you know. Like that first time I shot at someone, at that baby brokerage operation case last year, when you had to comfort me. Remember?" She stopped talking and looked at Sabrina, whether to see or not she remember, but when she could see Sabrina nodded, she continued, "it was kind of that feeling, only now it was so much worse. And so different somehow. Just because I didn't know I would do it for a good cause. I just knew I was capable of doing it."

Sabrina and Kelly looked at her, trying to understand. Even if they understood what Kris was getting at, neither of them could tell they understood exactly what she must had felt at that moment. They all had, one time sooner or later, experienced that first time when they realize they are capable of hurting others, for the sake of someone, or something else. But both Kelly and Sabrina, could tell that what Kris told them now was not like those times. This was something worse.

They sat silent for awhile, Sabrina and Kelly waiting for Kris to go on, and Kris gathering energy to actually continue.

"Last night when I thought about all those things, I suddenly started feeling so bitter," Kris then continued, remembering what she felt last night. "I felt such hatred and bitterness to the world. To the fact there exists such evil in it. That there actually are people able to hurt other people without any remorse what so ever, and that people like us have to fight them off. I felt so sick of it." She sighed heavily, and let her shoulder sink. "And I wasn't sure if I wanted to fight them off anymore. If I could go on with it."

Sabrina and Kelly looked worriedly at each other starting to figure out what Kris might be getting at. Did she want to quit?

"Kris, what are you saying?" Kelly then tentatively asked, not really sure whether she wanted an answer or not.

But not letting Kris answered, Sabrina cut in, trying another approach. "Come on now, Kris. You can't give up, the world needs you to do this!"

Realizing her friends where one step ahead of her, Kris just looked at the two of them, actually feeling a bit pleased that they seemed to dislike the thought of her leaving so badly. She couldn't help but let out a smile. "Oh, I'm not leaving. I'm just saying I had some doubts."

Hearing that, Kris could basically see how both Kelly and Sabrina exhaled, and how relieved they got.

"Damn it Kris, don't scare us like that," Sabrina exclaimed, still not quite over the shock.

"Sorry…" Kris acknowledged guiltily, and gave her both friends a reassuring smile that they didn't had to worry.

"It's just that we would hate to see you leave, Kris," Kelly confessed lovingly.

Kris gave her friend a grateful look, before going on with her story. "Well, like I said, I had some doubts. I really didn't feel up to continuing maintain this violent lifestyle. I wanted it to be peaceful and happy, like it was when I was a kid."

"So what changed your mind?" Kelly curiously wanted to know.

"I don't know," Kris declared honestly. "I guess I realized the world will still be as bad. And like you said, we are working for making it a better place. Even if it sometimes feels we're doing it in a strange kind of way."

"And besides…," she then added, "the world isn't all bad. It's still has some of that good and peaceful moments." She smiled happily to herself as she thought of how she'd felt when she this morning had looked at that picture of the three of them and Bosley on Hawaii, when she realized she did have some happy times, wrapped up in all that badness.

"There sure is," Sabrina said with a wide smile, happy to see her friend happy again, "there sure is."

They sat silent for a moment, before Kris broke the silence. "You know, even if that day was one of the worst I have ever experienced, I'm not sorry it happened. It was a great experience and everything I thought and felt both during and afterwards, has been such good knowledge. It really made me think at things, not the least my work, differently."

A bit surprised of Kris declaration, Kelly and Sabrina just looked at her stunned.

"Well, we're just glad you got through it safe," Kelly then said matter-of-factly, not at all being sad if it just never had happened.

"Uh huh," Sabrina just agreed with a very confident nod.

Kris looked at her two friends, really understanding their point of view. But tired of talking of such serious matter any longer, she instead stood up and walked over to the worktop, where the food Kelly and Sabrina had brought still was laying.

"Hey we better eat this before it goes bad," she said and started unpack it from the bag. Following Kris' lead, the other two joined her in the kitchen, and they quickly put together their brunch.

A while later they were heading down the beach, with the picnic basket in hand. Kris smiled for herself as she walked down the beach between her two best friends, all laughing and talking happily. Life could indeed have some good moments after all, she thought, as she got to experience yet another day with her loved ones.

The End

* * *

This was my first Charlie's Angels story, but I hoped you all liked it!

And whatever comments you may have I am more than happy to hear them!


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